***Major Game of Thrones spoilers throughout. In fact, it’s really just one big spoiler. This was written after the US premiere at 2am BST. Do not read if you haven’t already watched the episode.***
It’s 3am, my bra is full of popcorn kernels and the bags under my eyes are weighing down past my chin.
But I don’t have the energy to rectify either issue – my mind is still reeling from the season seven debut of Game of Thrones. In good ol’ HBO fashion, us UKers got to delightfully watch the latest episode at the lovely time of 2am.
The Night King is approaching, slowly but surely
Legit, these guys are gonna cause some serious damage this season. If they eventually make it somewhere before everyone is already dead, that is.
They seem to be making a very slow approach to anywhere not covered with snow, but I suppose they don’t really have to worry. Turns out they have a giant on their side (I’m sorry, Wun-Wun). Better watch out, Bran Stark – I reckon they’re coming straight for you.
Bran is finally succeeding… sort of
I’ve got the feeling Bran’s in a lil bit of a strange place right now. I mean, he did just watch his best friend/human forklift die in front of him, and realise it was entirely his own fault for his friend’s entire existence. Fun times.
But anyway, Bran and Meera have finally arrived at Castle Black, where they’re met with Edd Tollet, who is acting commander of the Night’s Watch. I’m not gonna lie, it took me a minute to remember that Jon was in fact in Winterfell. Yeah, #FakeFan.
Yes, Arya Stark is a BADASS
The episode began like most – bloody confusing, and making me question everything I thought I knew about the show. Perhaps it was the sleep deprivation or the overdose of Lucozade, but it took me a good five minutes to realise that no, the first scene was not a flashback.
Walder Frey’s face was one of the first we got to see this season, in all its beauty. He encouraged the hundreds of people gathered in his hall to drink to their success of killing the Starks, but something isn’t quite right. It literally only clicked when he took his hand to his chin and revealed the beautiful face of Maisie Williams. What. A. Badass.
Ed Sheeran inexplicably turned up with a sing-song later on, before inviting the young Stark girl to join he and his fellow knights for dinner. She deadpanned told them that she was on her way to kill the Queen. Slick.
Stark/Snow tension and #GiantsBae
HBO really didn’t beat around the bush with Jon and Sansa’s sibling tension, did they?
Straight off the bat, we’re presented with Jon taking to his new position as King of the North, and dishing out commands quite nicely. But when Sansa butts in, it’s clear they have a lot to talk about.
Speaking of Sansa, can we acknowledge how fricking sassy she is already? It’s enough that she’s sticking up for herself in front of Jon, nevermind shutting down Littlefinger at every possible moment. Legit, somebody has to calm that guy and his creepy obsessions down.
Also, can we take a moment to appreciate the return of one of the best ships ever: Brienne of Tarth’s moment of weakness when she saw Tormund’s smile just ended me.
The Lannisters are surrounded
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I want a Game of Thrones map painted on my floor. Queens just get all the luck.
In a very visual image, Cersei astoutely confirms to her brother that they are surrounded by people that hate them. It’s only taken her seven seasons to realise it. The conversation quickly turns to Euron “Urine” Greyjoy, and his sailing to King’s Landing in search of some sort of alliance. The only alliance I want to see involving that man is that of a large, pointy stick and his traitrous ass.
It can’t be denied that the Iron Throne looks like it was literally made to mould around Lena Headley. So it’s no surprise that when Euron turns up seeking alliances and chatting about unfaithful family, she looks perfectly at ease. The same can’t be said for Jamie, however, when Urine comments on his extra five fingers. Ouch.
Sam’s in some deep shit
I feel bad. Well, I don’t. But I do. Samwell Tarley’s gagging noises made me cry. The most lovable character is currently at the Citadel in Oldtown, preparing to become a super-cool Maester. But it seems that before he gets to be weighed down with strange looking chains, he has to collect shit and dish out sloppy meals. In all honesty, I couldn’t tell what was the food.
He channels one of our favourite boy wizards, and tries to make it into the restricted section of the library – but he doesn’t have an invisibility cloak or an ‘Alohamora’ up his sleeve to help him. Instead, he resorts to stealing keys, and discovers that there’s more dragonglass in the world. Thank fuck, by the way. They would’ve been absolutely fucked otherwise.
Just when you think the scene is over, you suddenly need Sam’s excellent shit-handling skills to pay you a visit when a scaly hand jumps out of a cage. Hope you’re alright, Jorah. Rooting for you babe.
Dany comes home
About an hour into the episode, I was growing pretty agitated. Where was my favourite dragon queen, and why wasn’t she causing mayhem? Her stunning blonde hair came into view shortly afterwards when she docked in Dragonstone, the place in which she was born. Pretty special, huh? It’s also got a sick war room, complete with mini ship models and everything. As it turns out, the dragonglass that Sam discovered is now sitting right under her very feet. That’s gonna make for an interesting conversation.
So yeah, all in all – phenomonal first episode. My stomach hurts with stale doritos and flat lucozade, but I’m ready to do the whole thing all over again next week.
If you want to join in with my live tweets, give me a follow on Twitter. I’m also gonna pop a poll onto my timeline to see if there’s any scope for another recap next week.
Anyway, it’s now 03:55 – I’m off.
Did you watch the latest episode? Let me know what you thought, and what your predictions are for next week!