I’m not sure where I’m going with this.
It has been a while since I sat behind my computer and let myself talk; I simply haven’t had time. Or rather I have, but any spare time I have I seem to spend staring at a blank wall and wondering how on earth I managed to fuck up so badly.
Work has been tough. It’s taken its toll on my mental health, and I took a little bit of time off during the summer to clear my head. I’ve found myself slipping into a mere shell of the confident, bouncy journalist I was a few months ago. Memories of past relationships and encounters that had taken months, years to bury shot through the surface like a crisp slap across the cheek. I lost all motivation to write, eat, feel.
But I wrote a few words recently.
They weren’t for work or school, nor where they for social media or my blogging space. They were for a boy. They described his eyes like marbles and his mouth as one that rarely upturned at the sides, but looked ever so beautiful when he let himself go.
To let my mind do the talking and my fingers do the typing felt exhilirating. It had been far too long since I had felt the drive to write, nevermind share my penned thoughts with somebody else.
But the boy turned out to be just the same as the others, and my feelings returned to their shattered mess on the ground. I was so quick, so eager to latch on to the feeling of being wanted that I let my emotions overshadow my instinct. I should have known there was something wrong when I felt myself fall ever so quickly for somebody I hardly knew.
I ended things before they became too serious, only for it to be thrown back at me with such ferocity that I couldn’t help but crumble at the crippling blow.
And yet these incidents, these institutional parts of a whirlwind summer, have brought me to today. I’m not going to say that everything will be great from now on. It’s going to take time, but baby steps are key. My cousin and aunt came to visit last month, and brought with them a brief sense of happiness that I am oh-so desperate to claim back.
Little victories are what are keeping me going: I bought myself new trousers. I set up an eye appointment to figure out what’s going on with my awful vision. I told this boy exactly how I felt instead of bottling it up and hating him forever.
I know that in a few weeks, everything will change. I’ll be in university, just recently back from a much needed getaway in northern Spain. I’ll be starting an entirely new chapter of what is turning into an ever-changing story.
The year has sped by so quickly that it is difficult to keep up. I promised myself, when the clock chimed midnight on New Year’s Eve, that I’d throw myself into losing weight, making friends, working hard and creating memories. But so far it hasn’t been going so well.
Which is why I have some goals for the remaining few months of 2017. They aren’t anything drastic, nor are they anything that I can achieve with next to no work.
- Be your own happy: your feelings should not be dependent on somebody else.
- Reconnect with family: communication shouldn’t falter because life gets in the way.
- Take some you time: you deserve a solo-coffee date every once in a while.
- Have more baths: you know you love them. Get your favourite Marshmallow Moment from Lush more often.
- Get excited for life again: there are so many amazing things about to happen.
- Write: your keyboard misses you, and you it. It’s time to begin writing silly thoughts and random memories.
- Read more: your time spent staring into space could be much better spent delving into mythical and strange lands on paper.
- Take no shit from anybody: it’s timeyou stopped taking blame for other people’s incompetence. DOn’t let people take credit for your work.
- Sing in the shower: no more crying. You belt out the lyrics to Under the Sea like nobody’s listening.
- Get rid of their stuff: there’s no use holding onto things that shouldn’t mean shit to you.
I’m desparate to regain control of my state of mind again. I can’t promise that I’ll be as active online as I’d like to be – it’s taking some time to reinvite myself back into reality. But I can only thank the blogging community and friends and family for being there when I truly needed them most.
How have you been lately?